Five Minute Furuba
by Shaposhit
Summary: Episodes of Fruits Basket told in five lines. Kyo is a natrual redhead and proud of it, Yuki has no soul but makes up for it by being sexy, and Tohru leads a completely normal life...except for the whole, y'know, orphanzodiac thing.


**Welcome to Five Minute Furuba, a mad place where I recap Fruits Basket episodes in about five lines... I do not own Furuba, or the series would be about two episodes long and would end with Yuki and Tohru running off and eloping. Or possibly Hana and Tohru. XD**

**This is my form:**

**_Episode #: Episode Title (My Title For It)_**

_Dialouge_

* * *

**First Episode: The Strangest Day (Living in a Tent Is Normal)**

Tohru: I'm so hardcore. I live in a tent, wear colors other than black, I'm cheerful, and I even do homework. My grades, however...

Yuki: Watch me be even more sparkly than my fan club.

Shigure: Yum, high school girls!

Uo: _What _did you say about my ass?

Hana: Y'know, there's -cough- something -cough- funny, about that Sohma Yuki. -COUGHhestheratfromtheChinezeZodiacCOUGH- Just a theory.

* * *

**Second Episode: The Sohma Curse (Some Might Call It a Blessing)**

Tohru: Kitties and doggies and rats, oh my!

Kyo: I AM SO ANGRY AND ORANGE! PH3AR M3! _(fear me)_

Yuki: Yeah, well, I'm Superman.

Shigure: Yuki, you can't be Superman...you're not a man to start with. And Kyo, I'm going to make your life hell, so buck up and deal.

Kyo: Well, uh, er...I'M A NATRUAL REDHEAD! So THERE!

* * *

**Third Episode: All Shapes and Sizes (Just Keep Telling Yourself That)**

Tohru: Different types of kindness makes the world go 'round, 'foo. Fo shizzle. 'Cause my momma told me.

Yuki: Kyo's kindness is so tiny it's microscopic.

Kyo: Yuki has no kindness, he makes up for it by being sexy.

Shigure: My kindness comes in the form of my hand on Tohru's butt.

Tohru's Boss: I have got to be pretty damn evil to make a poor, orphan, high school girl work these hours.

* * *

**Fourth Episode: Here Comes Kagura! (RUN!)**

Tohru: I have a slightly odd obsession with cute girls.

Kagura: Kyo's mine, you -BLEEP-.

Kyo: I'm not yours, Kagura.

Yuki: No, Kyo, you're mi -

Kyo: Kagura! I LOVE YOU!

* * *

**Fifth Episode: A Rice Ball In a Fruits Basket (Why Is Nothing Actually Fruit In This Series?)**

Tohru: I suck at children's games.

Yuki: Yeah, well, we can't all be me.

Tohru's Relatives: Tohru-chan, now that we have you back, we're going to abuse you and use you as a slave. By the way...did you ever sell your body to those guys you were living with?

Yuki and Kyo: Hey, peoples, we're here to get our girl back.

Tohru's Relatives: -staring- Well, if you did sell your body to them, I can see why.

* * *

**Sixth Episode: Invincible Friendship (Frightening Friendship)**

Tohru: Card games are the essence of a lively party!

Shigure: You just keep telling yourself that, girlfriend.

Yuki (under porch with Kyo, both in animal forms): Wouldn't it be really bad if we transformed back now?

(MORNING)

Yuki: Good mo- -snore-

Kyo: Is it really that boring to fight me? -coughYEScough-

* * *

**Episode Seven: A Plum on the Back (Your Plum Is Showing, Kyo-kun)**

Yuki: Mortal...humiliation...must...kill...self...

Tohru: -with sunflower- Yuki hates me...Yuki doesn't...Yuki hates me...Yuki doesn't...

Kyo: He doesn't hate you, he just hates life. And himself. And Akito. And me...but he still makes up for it by being sexy.

Yuki: I heard that. -KAPOW-

Momiji: -cusses loudly in German-

* * *

**Episode Eight: Don't Cry, For the Snow Shall Surely Melt (Yuki's Dead)**

Tohru: -is the secret keeper for the Sohma family-

Hatori: -singing badly- I lost my truck and my girlfriend...it really sucks!

Momiji: Hatori gets like this when he remembers his girlfriend, Kana, and his truck, which he named David Bowie.

Tohru: Did he and the truck have an...affair?

Momiji: Duh, that's why Kana had her memory erased.

* * *

**Episode Nine: A Solitary New Year (Akito and the Delinquents)**

Tohru: Yuki sucks at cleaning, but he won't admit it because he's so stuck up.

Kyo: But he makes up for it by being sexy.

Tohru: True dat!

Yuki: Shigure, I'm not going back for New Years. Momiji told me they haven't fixed the karaoke yet, and I _really_ don't want to listen to Akito sing crappy country songs all night.

Akito: -singing badly- I lost my truck and my girlfriend...it really sucks!

* * *

**Episode 10: Make It Clear If It's Black Or White (Zebra or a Cow?)**

Tohru: I suck at running, but at least Hana sucks more. And I get to hold her hand...

Haru: Is my hair white with a black bottom or black with a white top? Yuki, you're mine. Forget Tohru. Forget Akito. Forget Kyo. Forget -insert Jyuunishi/fan club member here.

Yuki: I...see...a...light...Elvis...I see Elvis...

Kyo: Well...he's dead, but he's still sexy.

Yuki: -British accent- I'm not dead yet!

* * *

**Episode 11: Everybody Loves Chocolate (Hana Loves Chocolate)**

Tohru: -singing- Valentines Day sucks for you, sucks for you, sucks for you, but I get Yuki's chocolate!

Uo: Share. Share. Sharing is good.

Hana: Arisa, can I have some of your chocolate?

Uo: -going through a possessive phase- MINE!

Kyo and Yuki: -pondering Momiji's story-...no, nope, she's still an idiot.

* * *

**Episode 12: White Day (What Happened to African-American History Month?)**

Tohru: -singing- We're racist, we're racist, everybody's racist!

Momiji: Well _duh. _Have you ever seen a black anime character? (Note: Not true)

Yuki: I can pull stuff out of my kimono sleeves, that's just how cool I am.

Kyo: I can...smash your face in with a ping-pong ball, AND I'm a natrual redhead.

Tohru: I can contact the dead through photographs!

* * *

**Episode 13: A New School Term Starts! (Suicide Rates Go Up)**

Tohru: Guess what? Momiji and Haru go to our school now! And Momiji wears the girl's uniform!

Kyo: Shigure wasn't kidding when he said he was going to make my life hell.

Haru: I THREATEN THOU WITH YUKI'S SEXINESS!

Yuki: A...A...Akk...Ak...Aki...Aki...

Tohru: Akira Kurosawa?

* * *

**Episode 14: The Adult's Episode - Yuki's a Messed-Up Snake (Homicide Rates Go Up)**

Tohru: I'll have the...tempura.

Ayame: You want the gyoza?

Tohru: Tempura!

Ayame: That's what I said. Gyoza.

Tohru: I'll show you "gyoza"! -throws gyoza at Ayame-

* * *

**Episode 15: There Are No Memories It's Okay To Forget (Except Your Mom's Attempt At Meatloaf)**

Yuki: -singing- My mom's rich, and your mom's dead, my mom's rich, and your mom's dead!

Kyo: Who you talkin' 'bout? Me or Tohru?

(At Tohru's work)

Momiji: Hello, minimum wage slave!

Tohru: I'm Tohru. You know me.

Momiji: Whatever, wench. Start working.

* * *

**Episode 16: If We've Three Then We Don't Need To Fear Jason (Unless We've Five)**

Tohru: OMG A LAKE OMG A LAKE OMG I'M SO SPAZTIC!

Yuki: Jason is a horror movie character, you dumbass.

Kyo: Yuki's such a smart-ass, but he makes up for it by -

Tohru: - being sexy, we know, already.

Hatori: -dreaming of giant pink bunny rabbits wearing Ayame's dress-

* * *

**Episode 17: It's Because I've Been Loved That I've Become Stronger (Love Makes The World Go Round)**

Tohru: Hey, Haru, what'cha got under that jacket?

Haru: A tiger.

Yuki: You're selling drugs, aren't you?

Kisa: -CHOMP-

Tohru: She was so cute before she opened her mouth.

* * *

**Episode 18: The Strongest Tag - The Cursed Electric Wave Brother and Sister (Fruits Basket Meets Poison Reef)**

Tohru: If I skip work this much, it's no wonder I get paid so little.

Hana: Electric equipment does not work around me. I'm like Hogwarts, only smaller and more emo-like.

Motoko: I'll show you cursed, you -BLEEP-.

Megumi: My name means "blessing". How awesome is that?

Motoko: Do not make eye contact...

* * *

**Episode 19: The Source of Cheer Can Be Afected By Colds, Too (ATCHOOO)**

Tohru: OMG I'M SUCH A DUMBASS!

Yuki: Yeah...I guess those study sessions didn't do much.

Kyo: What _were _you doíng in those -cough- _study _sessions?

Tohru: I shall faint now and make you guys take care of me.

Kyo: -cooking- A little slice of Yuki, stirred up by Kyo, makes Tohru better!

* * *

**Episode 20: Ayame's Secret Life (The Not-So-Secret Garden)**

Tohru: Wow...a porn shop.

Mine: No, no, no, a FANCY porn shop! Say...Tohru-san...do you mind dressing up as a whore for me?

Tohru: Yeah, kinda. I do mind.

Ayame: Ask Yuki if he minds Tohru dressing up as a whore.

Kyo: Ask Yuki if he minds dressing up as a whore, _period._

* * *

**Episode 21: Sohpist Boy Has Captured the Prince (Suicide Rates Skyrocket)**

Tohru: Ha! A short little boy! I _love _short people! All short people. No matter who they are.

Kisa: I feel threatened.

Hiro: _This _is mine (pointing to Tohru's bag), and _this _is mine (Tohru's wallet), and _this _is mine (Kisa)...

Tohru: I'll have a _short_cake crepe! Haha, get it?

Kisa: I'm sorry, Hiro. I have to turn down your, uh, offer...I'm going to go wash my hands nine times, pledge myself to the Lord, and become Amish.

* * *

**Episode 22: Prince Yuki Fan Club (OCD Maniacs Unite)**

Tohru: Motoko was crying today.

Uo: Does Yuki really kiss that bad?

Tohru and Kyo (in unison): Yuki kisses fine! (awkward pause)...or, uh, so I've, er, heard...

Yuki: ...

Uo: -glares at Yuki- Slut.

* * *

**Episode 23: Is The Rumoured Ri That Mother's Daughter? (No, He's Actually Her Second-Cousin Twice Removed)**

Tohru: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, eh?

Ritsu: I'M SORRY! DO YOU NOT LIKE APPLES?! I'M SOOO SORRY! By the way, I'm actually a guy underneath all this pink and bows and estrogen.

Tohru: I think I liked you better when you were a girl.

Yuki and Kyo: Ah, yes, Tohru's obsession with cute girls.

Shigure: I am to takoyaki as Popeye the Sailor is to spinach.

* * *

**Episode 24: The Curse of the Cat (Blessing Desu Ka?)**

Tohru: Under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh...

Kyo: COOT--...ies...

Kazuma: My child has grown so beautifully, like a cherry blossom filling out it's petals.

Yuki: That's poetic.

Kyo: That's pathetic.

* * *

**Episode 25: True Form (Shaddup, It's Cute)**

Tohru: Kyo's true form is -

Uo: OMG, it's -

Hana: Holy crap, it's like -

Yuki: - sexy, in an evil-beast kind of way!

Tohru: Not what I was going to say...

* * *

**Episode 26: Let's Go Home (Kitty Angst)**

Tohru: I'm so weak and pathetic it's funny.

Kyo: I'm feeling extra cranky and pubescent today, so I'm going to take it out on people I like!

Tohru: Then why are you killing Yuki?...wait for it...um...oh..._oh._

Shigure: Have you found it?

Akito: Yes. The question to the ultimate answer is -

* * *

_Owari_


End file.
